Dopey Dave’s Ramblings – 01.03.2016 – new management structure

Well what can I say but there I am looking for that nasty little man who’s been running this soddin CAP project and somebody tells me – it’s not him anymore – we’ve brought someone in to replace him. 

That’ll please old ogre breath when he comes round for dinner and to complain about his missing payments – if I don’t even know who’s running the project!

Still, can’t be a bad thing. Put it this way whoever’s coming can’t really do a worse job than Mr Nasty and if this new manager can make it work then maybe I can start sleeping in the house again.  

Wonder if he’s come through Spectromax


Dopey Dave’s Ramblings – 09.02.2016 -Only 500 BPS cases processed to payment this week!

Oh shit!

I cannot believe what the management team is telling me now, and I’m dreading the next visit from old Ogre Breath that is so obviously gonna come.

Apparently we’ve only processed 500 more BPS cases to payment – in a week! At this rate the remaining 17,000 cases are going to take 34 weeks.  That’s 8 and a half months.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

The management have sent out an email to the whole team saying they want an “Urgent BPS push this week”; but lets be honest, it’s been urgent for months now and feck all has happened so unless some miracle is going to happen this week I can’t see it improving any.

To make matters worse, they’re selecting only the easy cases to process – so that means we have a whole stockpile of more difficult cases coming and from what I’ve been told those farmers might just as well file for bankruptcy now cos there’s little to sod all chance of them seeing their money through this pile of crap that’s been written.

I hate my life.

“Everything will be fine Dave.  We’ve got loads of cheap labour.  We’ve sacked all the expensive UK workers who knew what they were doing.  We’ve not bothered employing any local people either – cos these guys are even cheaper than them.”

Everything’s not feckin fine tho is it.  As old Ogre breath said in his last rant “I’d rather plough a feckin field with a plough than use 300 people with a pitch fork each – especially if I know there’s another field needs ploughing after.”


But no.  We had to go with cheap labour and now we’ve got a crap system and the NFUS has started baying for blood.

What am I going to do if somebody actually starts looking for the names of people who have created this mess.  So far we’ve been lucky because nobody ever gets investigated for wasting public funds on IT projects.  It’s part of the culture – we fail time and time again and get away with it.

But, the problem is, what if this time we bring down the Scottish economy as well?!!

Oh shit!

Maybe I’ll take early retirement!



Dopey Dave’s Ramblings – 30.01.2016 – MPs call for guarantee of no rural payments IT fiasco this year

Oh shit!

So MPs have called for a guarantee of no rural payments IT fiasco this year.

How do I explain the fact that we paid for a boat and that feckin IT company built us a sieve – cos that way they can charge us more money every time they patch a hole – and we sat there like feckin idiots and let them!

Sorry MPs no guarantees coming from us. Believe me, I wish I could make that guarantee – I might even be allowed back in the house with promises like that.


Dopey Dave’s Ramblings – 27.01.2016 – ogre breath has had a letter saying he’s not getting paid

I’m drunk!

It’s chuffin cold in the shed so I’ve got myself a nice wee dram to take the edge off and it’s the best I’ve felt in a long time.

Father in law actually came round today to see the wife and stir the pot. He’s had a letter from us apparently to say he won’t be getting his money in January so he’s been ranting and raving at area office staff all day and now he’s here to rant and rave at me!

“I’ve a good mind to get together with the other farmers who haven’t been paid and we’ll blockade Saughton House until we get our money.” He tells me when I turn up.

“Personally I don’t see what’s so chuffin difficult.” He’s flowing like a twelve ton dung spreader, “most farmers can work out a ball park BPS figure off the back of a fag packet – surely those magic beans you bought from those IT people for £200million can at least manage that.”

I offer to write him a personal cheque but that’s not good enough. “Unless you’re gonna write a personal cheque for all the farmers I’m not gonna be your feckin clype.” and he sits down and starts tuckin in to my chuffin dinner!

“Well if it helps, the Delivery Director’s gone.” I try to stem the flow but he’s not having it.

“Ooh the Delivery Director’s gone has he. Taps aff!”

I try to reason with him that the system is very complicated and these are just teething problems.

“Now you’re beginning to sound like that pillock Lochhead. It’s a system that measures feckin fields, works out what’s in it that’s a waste of space and then compensates us accordingly. Perhaps I should get you and your feckin management team to come and stand in one of my fields when the inspectors come and I’ll be feckin rich when my BPS comes through!”

So I’m back in the shed!

Dopey Dave’s Ramblings – 12.01.2016 – still can’t pay the chuffin farmers!!

standing-dunce-cartoonI don’t believe it – here we go again.

Just had the father in law on the phone again, “Now then David, where’s my money?”

“You’ve got it!” I tell him

“Do you think if I’d got my money, I’d be wasting my breath on you!”

Then he calls me a moron, and tells me that he wouldn’t trust me to pay for his weekly shopping.

“Let’s be honest, David.” he says to me, “with your track record, if I gave you money to get my shopping you’d spend three times what I planned and come back with nothing but feckin magic beans and a load of promises.”

So, then I go into the office and call in the management team and ask them, “has anybody been paid, yet?”

“Well we generated 4000 payments last month.”

“But has anybody actually been paid yet?”


100!! I can just imagine the father in law – “£200m paid and you managed to pay just 100 farmers.  You absolute feckin moron.  Thats £2m per farmer for this crappy IT system.”

“100?!!” I ask the question, close to tears.  I thought I’d managed to get myself back off the sofa and into the bedroom, but with news like that – I’ll be sleeping with the lawnmower.

“Well, it’s like we said.  We generated 4000 payments last month, but then when we sent them to SEAS we found that we could only get 100 to go through.  Any larger numbers than that and the whole SEAS systems clogs up or crashes.”


“The Scottish Executive Accounting System.”

“So what’s the plan?”

“Well, we could process 100 payments per day.”

I’m dead!  Why did I ever trust this flaming management?  Why did I let them sack all the workers and bring their own in?  God help us.

At 100 payments per day, then it will take 220 days to pay 22,000 farmers – and if we’re only doing part payments first, we’re gonna have to do it twice so that’s 440 days.

In working days, of which there are 253 in 2016, we’re looking at farmers getting their final payments Q4 2017.  This is a disaster!