TATA steel assets to be seized by HMRC…

  
In a surprisingly pro-British move from the UK HMRC has announced plans to seize all the UK assets of TATA steel and freeze its UK bank accounts.

“By its own declaration,” a source not very close to David Cameron told us, “TATA steel has been trading insolvent which is an offence under the Companies Act and under new pro-British legislation that the Government is currently drawing up.”

“They have tried to blackmail the Government using the livelihoods of tens of thousands of British workers as leverage whilst at the same time opening new plants in India and commencing trade negotiations to sell the UK the same steel that we were already manufacturing.”

Unreliable sources confirmed that David Cameron was pissed off because Ratan Tata, a senior advisor to the Prime Minister has reneged on a multi million pound private deal to employ him as a consultant when he loses the #brexit campaign and gets sacked by his own party.

  
“It all went sour with the Panama leaks,” the source continued, “and the way David Cameron handled his own personal crisis.”

Apparently David Cameron was berated for his ineptitude. MI5 who have been monitoring George Osborne as a suspected counter agent tasked with running the UK into the ground instead of “building Britain” picked up a strong exchange of words along the lines of:

  
“Piss off Cameron. I wouldn’t trust you to run a chip shop let alone a multi-billion international operation. Look at the mess you make of everything you touch – Your steel’s f@cked, your country’s f@cked and you’re f@cked. I suggest you go and join that mad Scottish woman and try and build a devolved empire with oil that’s worth f@ck all. Then you can pat each other on the back and tell everybody it’s complicated.”

Although another MI5 source admits that what they may have picked up was actually, “tell you what Dave. F@ck them. They’re low life and they’re not gonna vote for you anyway. Give me a good deal with the steel works and we’ll cut you in just like the Arabs cut in Tony Blair.”

  
Another MI5 agent claimed that both stories were completely made up because MI5 were angry at having their numbers cut to one Tier2 migrant and an old kettle whilst at the same time being expected to stop terrorism all over the world.

Our unreliable source not very close to David Cameron explained the sudden assault on TATA assets.

“Apparently Cameron and Osborne had an epiphany when they realised they may still have to live in the remains of their own mismanaged Britain instead.”

  
“Until now they were planning on following Tony Blair around the world on the consultancy and lecture circuit but the Panama leak blew it for Cameron and with Osborne being made to look like a muppet with his latest budget and the bleak economic outlook he’s had it too.”

“Let’s be frank about this – Osborne has spent the last 6 years thinking he’s playing a game of Monopoly and he still thinks everything will be ok when he “passes Go”.

So the new message to foreign investors is “Britain is not for sale unless you sign the consultancy agreement for the Prime Minister and the Chancellor in advance – in which case what would you like first? The NHS? PFI Schools in Scotland? The Car Industry? The Steel Industry? Cadbury’s? The whole IT industry? – name your price.”

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