Easter Bunny will fix CAP System says Scottish Government

A recent press release from the Scottish Government has reassured rural Scotland that the CAP payment system will soon be working at full capacity.

Like many others, we took up the invitation to visit Saughton House for a behind the scenes look at the CAP System progress as it happened.

Much like the CAP system, the event was not quite what we expected.

  
“The Easter Bunny is coming and he’s bringing a laptop.” One senior executive told us as soon as we arrived, before giggling hysterically and then crying into a glass of Jack Daniels.

“Apparently this is our last hope for successful delivery of the system. If this fails, we’re dead in the water. Blitzed, sunk – put it any way you like, but absolutely stone feckin dead!”

“That’s not what we told him,” a short, fat manager with a bright red face and trousers that are too long for his legs told us.

“We told him we’ve asked another company to come in and fix the system and effect a knowledge transfer.”

“Another company. Oh, not another one. We’re still paying the first other company and he’s gone. But we’re still feckin paying him.” The executive came up for air briefly.

“Ignore him,” the little man continued, “he’s just having a bad day!”

“We’re all having a feckin bad day!” The wailing continued, “it’s alright for you. I’ve got to walk home past farmers. And they’ve got tools you know.”

The glass was topped up from the bottle.

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